Dr. Who Finale

A few months ago, in a plush office in BBC Wales…

“So Russell, what’ve you got planned for the season 2 finale?”

“Cybermen v the Daleks”

“Sounds big.”

“It is, we’ll have an army of 5 million cybermen.”

“Wow. How many Daleks?”

“Four”

“Four?”

“Yep. Ah but don’t worry when it comes to it, they have a box that has millions more inside.”

“A box with millions of Daleks in?”

“Yes. They’ll open it just when they need it.”

“Won’t that seem a bit convenient? A bit Deus Ex Machina?”

“Deus Ex what now?”

“It’s when you introduce something useful to the plot near the end of a story just so you can wrap it up more easily.”

“You mean like we did with the season 1 finale?”

“Er yeah. So we’ll have millions of Daleks fighting millions of Cybermen – sounds exciting, epic.”

“Well yes but they won’t actually fight.”

“Won’t fight!? Why not?”

“Well let’s face it, even with CGI we don’t have the budget, we’ll just imply the battle with a little trash talk.”

“Trash talk?”

“Yeah you know – Cyberman says ‘we’re gonna get you cos we is bad ass’, Dalek says ‘nah we’re gonna get you cos we’s badder and you guys are nuthin’ – that kind of thing.”

“…?”

“Trust me it’ll work. It’ll imply the whole big battle.”

“O-kay. So how does the Doctor finally defeat them?”

“Giant hoover.”

“Giant hoover? That’s not very Sci Fi.”

“Well I haven’t worked out the exact techno-babble yet but it’ll be something like ‘inter-dimensional breach into void-space’ or something.”

“Ri-ight.”

“Oh it’ll be very impressive. Just as the millions of new Daleks are coming out of their box they’ll all get sucked into oblivion. Daleks. Cybermen. All gone.”

“Isn’t that a bit Deus Ex… *sigh* never mind.”

“Plus it’ll be quick. Over in a few minutes, maybe less.”

“So let’s get this straight – Daleks appear, trash talk with the Cybermen…”

“…to imply the big battle…”

“…imply the battle right, then they get more Daleks from their box and the whole lot are sucked in the void – and it’s all over in a few minutes?”

“Yes”

“So what are you going to do with the rest of the episode? The other, I don’t know, 20 minutes or so?”

“We’re gonna milk the emotion. Jackie and Pete. Rose and the Doctor. Build up the cloying sentiment and milk it. Milk it until everyone up and down the land is retching with the sickly sweetness of it all. Milk it until they can’t stand it any more. And then you know what?”

“What?”

“Then we gonna milk it just a little bit more!”

“What about Rose does she die”

“‘course not.”

“Aren’t you worried people will feel you’ve cheated them by saying she dies when she doesn’t?”

“Do I look bothered? …hey that gives me a great idea for the guest star for the Christmas episode…”