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Lesamy Week 30 – Slackness

I had another reckless weekend – or reckless bank holiday monday anyway.  Which means I suppose I should be grateful that I lost any weight at all. In fact though I did it was largely due to when I weighed myself – which was the ‘usual’ time – but before I’d really pigged out. I know that this had an impact because I weighed myself the next day and had put on quite a lot.

Things have gotten a little slack lately. Freebies being opportunities to pig out rather than sensible treats. Having multiple freebies in one week. Using the stepper to ‘earn’ lots of extra calories. Not doing my exercises. All of which would be ok but I need to be a bit stricter because I’m still only just over half way through and if I’ve slipped this much so far I can’t let it slip too much further.

It’s my birthday next week which involves freebie-ness so after that I think I’ll make a deliberate effort to reel in the slackness and be a bit of more of the obsessive I used to be about Lesamy.

One of the things that I don’t consider slackness is weighing myself more than once a week. The only reason not to do that was de-motivation and whilst it can do that, I am pretty much going to stick with this regardless. Only the official monday weighing counts but the fact I can know day to day where I’m at is ok so long as I don’t get too hung up on it. It helps me to know for instance that I have now lost all that extra weight I put on after monday.

Oh and whilst it makes no difference to the diet per se, one piece of slackness I’ll aim to reform on is not updating this blog on Monday.

Weekly loss: 0.3kg (0.7lb)
Total loss: 35.2kg (77.2lb or 5st 7lb)
To target: 32.7kg (72.1lb or 5st 2lb)
Current weight: 108.9kg (240lb or 17st 2lb)


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Lesamy Week 29 – Will-power

One of the things I try to do with this blog is strike the right balance between honesty and optimism. After all I started blogging about this as part of a self-encouragement effort. So perhaps at times I play down some of the issues with weight-loss. Partly that’s because I have been surprised at my own success. However, even given that, there is something that needs to said, and said clearly.

Losing weight is hard.

As in not easy. As in it takes work, effort. It takes time so if nothing else it require persistence. But whilst I once thought of that as “Motorway Driving” (easy but boring) I’m not sure I still do. It’s more like a long walk (of which I’m now very familiar due to Lesamy) – not difficult but requiring persistent effort.

I’m mentioning this because I’ve been finding it tough. Last week I had my “reckless weekend” and this week I’ve had a slightly ill-thought-out evening. What these are euphemisms for are me getting fed up and binging. This has included real comfort eating, in the sense of eating as an “escape” from  certain worries in the same way as drinking can be sometimes.

This is tough because having realised that I’ve got further to go in terms of time than I’ve come – possibly as much as twice as long – actually brings me down to earth a bit. Up until now I haven’t felt like I won’t make it eventually. I’ve had my freebies and my weeks where loss has been slow, or even gone the wrong way. I’ve had my whinges and things that have gotten me down – colleagues that don’t notice, my own apparent inability to “see” the loss etc – but underneath there’s been a bedrock of determination to keep going. I have to admit that has now been shaken.

All these battles are psychological. In the end it is about keeping going. It’s about keeping going for a long time. It’s about getting going again when you do slip. These have been areas I’ve not traditionally been known for being strong in. I feel like it would help if I had a clearer idea as to why I’m doing this. So far my best answer to that is that I want the sense of achievement of making my goal. Things like health benefits are secondary at best and as I’ve discussed before could probably be achieved without focussing on weight – I could throw out my scales and still get fit.

So anyway, that’s some “honesty” for you. To balance it here’s some optimism. First today I had the second person tell me that they’d noticed I’d lost weight. Second I have now lost the weight I put back on and a little more. (There was some doubt over my scales but I changed the battery and it seems to be right.)

Weekly loss: 2kg (4.4lb)
Total loss: 34.9kg (76.9lb or 5st 6lb)
To target: 33kg (72.7lb or 5st 2lb)
Number of people who’ve noticed without being told: 2
Current weight: 109.2kg (240lb or 17st 2lb)

It’s hard – but I intend to keep going – to do that I need to recognise, celebrate even, all the positives.


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Lesamy Week 28 – Reckless Weekend

I had a bit of a ‘reckless’ weekend and so it’s no surprise that I actually put on weight this week:

Weekly loss: -1.1kg (-2.4lb)
Total loss: 32.9kg (72.5lb or 5st 2lb)
To target: 35kg (77lb or 5st 7lb)
Current weight: 111.2kg (245lb or 17st 7lb)


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And it only took 6 months…

This is a momentous day, a day foretold, a day long yearned for and yet which was often thought might never arrive…

It didn’t start so well.

As you may remember when I first started Lesamy I didn’t have specific goals. I had a 10% milestone and a “see what happens next” idea. I then quickly became focussed on Christmas and looking thinner for my family then. The 10% milestone went by and it was obvious that it was going to take longer to get to a weight where I looked – how I thought I wanted to look.

Anyway at some point 12 stone emerged as my overall target. It was that because a) it put me in a “normal” range for BMI and b) I’d been that weight before at 21. It’s not like I set it at 10 stone, the weight I was when I was 18. I was thinking that over a long-ish timeframe that was realistic.

That long-ish timeframe was, in my mind, sometime this summer. However it became obvious that it would take longer than that and then I realised it might take up to a year. As you know I passed the half-year mark a week before I passed half-way to my target. And the rate of weight-loss has slowed. Prior to Christmas I was averaging 3.3lbs a week. Since Christmas I’ve averaged just over 2.

When I realised these were the figures last night, I started to think about doing some calculations. I think the rate will probably slow a little more over time but I don’t know how much. So I went for a few options. Here’s my results:

depressing figures
depressing figures

So my most optimistic prediction is that I’ll hit my target just before Christmas, my most pessimistic is next August. Almost certainly it’ll be over 18 months before I hit 12 stone. The final column(s) were just to see what my weight would be if I took whatever I end up at 1 year as being a target to maintain at.

So these figures were a bit of a shock. However I told myself two things

  • it took twenty years to get from 12 to 22+ stone, taking two to get back is not unreasonable
  • it’s more likely to stay off if it comes off at that rate

Still I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little down about it. Anyway I got up from my desk, I went into the kitchen to get a coffee and met S., a colleague there.

“Hi Paul. You’ve lost weight” he said.

“I have,” I said

“Well done”

“Thanks”

That was all that was said on the topic but it made my day. Someone noticed!

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Lesamy Week 27 – Muffins

I have to admit that there are occasions on which I struggle a little to think of something to say in these weekly updates. Usually there’s something. This week I’m just going to admit I don’t have much and tell you instead that I made muffins yesterday:

some muffins I made
some muffins I made

Making muffins may not seem like a good idea when I’m on a diet but hear me out. The current office tradition where I work is that on birthdays people usually bring in doughnuts or some other treat. Last couple of years I’ve bought Krispy Kreme donuts. They are nice, but very sweet and not to everyone’s taste. So this year I thought I’d make some muffins. So these were a ‘dry run’. I made 6 chocolate and 6 toffee and apple.

Both are very nice – I’ve had two of each so far. Don’t worry I am fitting this in to my daily allowance. The chocolate ones are 216 calories and the apple and toffee are 267. That’s about what I might have for an evening desert plus I had one with my lunch today. It’s also a lot less than the 450ish ones I had from Tescos one time – though those were bigger.

I deliberately made half quantities so that I wouldn’t have too many needing eating up. I reckon by the weekend I’ll have finished them off without going over my calorie limit.

Oh, and I hit that 50-50 point this week:

Weekly loss: 0.6kg (1.3lb)
Total loss: 34kg (75lb or 5st 5lb)
To target: 33.9kg (75lb or 5st 5lb)
Current weight: 110.1kg (242lb or 17st 4lb)


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“And I Would Walk…”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeuNxMY_5Uo]

Passed another milestone last night, almost literally a milestone. I’ve now walked 500 miles in exercise since I started Lesamy.

I discovered on looking back over my spreadsheet that it took 300 miles to lose a stone in weight!

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Lesamy Week 26 – Half Way?

Week 26 – I’ve officially been doing this for 6 months!

The plan/hope was that I’d have hit 110kg by now. That’s roughly the point half-way between my original weight and my target. But as you’ll see if you scroll down I’m not quite there yet. In fact I lost very little this week. But that’s ok, I’ve noticed since Christmas that my progress, whilst still good, can be a little erratic – I’ll lose a lot one week and very little the next. But over a couple of weeks it’s always a good rate. I think it’s just fluctuating a little and the exact point at which I weigh myself doesn’t always fall on the exact best time for getting the lowest possible reading.

Anyhow – still going down, which is good.

Weekly loss: 0.3kg (0.7lb)
Total loss: 33.4kg (73.6lb or 5st 4lb)
To target: 34.5kg (76lb or 5st 6lb)
Current weight: 110.7kg (244lb or 17st 6lb)


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Lesamy Week 24 – No Tipping Point

You know I’ve been doing this for quite a long time now – more than 20 weeks in fact – so you think I’d be used to it by now. The ups and downs, the uneven nature of the loss, how hard it can be, not physically but psychologically.

But I guess I’m not.

It’s been another tough week. I’ve struggled with motivation and wanted to give up. I keep coming back to that Fat Aceeptance thing and wondering why I’m doing this. If it was for general fitness then I’ve achieved that. All that’s really left is that I must simply want to look better. That I believe being 12 stone will make me better in some ways that being 18.

So why do I keep going? Well for one I realised that if I was to do the HAES thing properly then it’d look a lot like what I’m doing already. In terms of the things that are most effort – having to think about what I’m eating, and making time to take exercise – they’d still apply even if I’d be letting myself eat more and being all self-accepting. So what “giving up” would really be like, real giving up, would not be HAES, it would be back to slob-dom and ever-increasing weight and unfitness. As long as I’m not damaging my health – and I really believe I’m not – then why not try to keep going?

That was one thing. The other was the idea, oft-repeated but never really tried by me, that things that are worthwhile take effort. Well guess what this is the effort. What did you think “not being easy” would feel like?

And then there’s always plain old stubbornness.

So, I grit my teeth and I make myself doing situps when all I want to do is stay in bed. I push myself to go for a walk when I know it doesn’t really add much to the weight-loss. I stick to my calorie limit when I really really fancy a whole bar of chocolate. Or some wine. And I make it through another week knowing that it’s just one week amongst many many to come – cos we’re motorway driving, but I’m really tired and want to just get there…

Anyway.

I guess I always thought there’d be a ‘tipping poing’. A point where it really was ‘all downhill from here’. Where the fact that I weighed less would mean that I was pushing, pulling, lifting, dragging less weight around and so the exercise thing would be easier which would mean I could do more, which would accelerate the weight-loss…

But there’s no tipping point. I may have lost nearly 5 stone but I still have this huge belly that makes my morning pushups a struggle. I still have far too much wobbly bits to think about running rather than walking just yet. And I still look like a fat bloke.

And that’s really the issue. It’s not even that I care how I look, not really. It’s that I’ve done this huge thing. I’ve worked hard at something, consistently over months, exhibited a level of discipline and self-control I didn’t know I was capable of and if I stopped now no-one – no-one I hadn’t actually told – would know. I’d get no credit for it. That’s what I want. It’s not how I’d look, it’s that it’d be obvious I’d done something impressive.

Yes I am that shallow.

Weekly loss: 1.4kg (3.1lb)
Total loss: 31.7kg (69.9lb or 4st 13lb)
Current weight: 112.4kg (247lb or 17st 9lb)


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Lesamy Week 23 – The Cost of Freebies

So after last week’s ‘tough week’ this was supposed to be the week where I knuckled down again and started making more serious progress to the next milestone.

Yeah right, erm, ok.

When I first started Lesamy you’ll recall that one of the ‘rules’ was that I am allowed a ‘cheat day’ once a week of upto 2300 calories instead of my normal 1800. I’ve never really done this. What I did instead was invent the ‘freebie’. A freebie is a day, an evening or occasionally a weekend when I stop counting calories. During a ‘freebie’ I can eat and drink what I like and it doesn’t count.

I started this because early on I went to spend a weekend with M. and I wanted to relax and I also didn’t want her to feel like she suddenly had to change her eating habits because I was with her. I told myself I’d still eat sensibly – not have snacks, watch portion size that kind of thing – but I was consciously not going to count calories.

It’s a strategy that’s worked well. Partly because it gives me the regular ‘treating myself’ times that a cheat day was supposed to achieve. However mostly I think because in the early days I could have a freebie and still lose weight. That’s getting tougher.

It’s getting tougher because I’m losing less on average generally so there’s less slack in there, but also because the freebies are getting bigger. That ‘…but still eat sensibly’ bit has gotten a bit squeezed out.

This week for instance I’ve had two freebies and they’ve both been quite big. I hope I’ve learnt from them and will try not to repeat the mistakes.

Freebie 1 was on Wednesday when I finished my final story for Eurofiction. As a celebration I took a freebie. I deliberately went and bought some of the kinds of thing I used to eat a while back – real junk food – microwaveable burgers, pork pie, sausage roll. You know what? I didn’t enjoy them. Too greasy and too much.

Freebie 2 was on Friday when I went to the pub at lunchtime. Normally I try to only have 1 freebie a week but when I get invited to the pub I like to go because it’s social. Unfortunately alcohol is a danger because not only is it calorfiic but it lowers your defences. It had been someone’s birthday and they’d bought donuts – too many donuts as it turned out. So when I got back to the office, a little merry, and saw they were there I had about four. Apart from anything else it made me ill to have so much sickly sugary stuff.

Actually I used to do ok with the pub visits and I can’t help wondering if it’s because of my lunches. It used to be the case that I bought my lunch in town. A fairly low-cal sandwich and baked crisps. However on days where I got an invite to the pub it was invariably too late to buy something so I’d go, eat a pub lunch -usually something with chips – and have a couple of beers. I’d feel guilty but write it off as a freebie.

Since we moved to the new office it’s too far to go into town and I’ve been bringing packed lunches. Which is better but if we go to the pub then I’m drinking on a much less full stomach which means I’m liable to go for snacks on the way back – such as the donuts in this case. So ironically – I might be better off having a plate of chips at the pub.

I make it sound like I go to the pub a lot – actually it’s once or twice a month at most – but I do need to be careful.

Anyway I think I need to reign in the freebies – stick to one a week and remember they’re not supposed to be free-for-alls.

Here’s  my stats for this week:

Weekly loss: 0.2kg (0.4lb)
Total loss: 30.3kg (66.8lb or 4st 10lb)
Current weight: 113.8kg (250lb or 17st 12lb)


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Lesamy Week 22 – Tough Week

It’s been a tough week. First of all I guess I relaxed a bit after last week’s big loss. Also I had one pub lunch day (allowed) but I also had a day where we had cakes for someone’s birthday, and another when we had “treats” for a company meeting. Normally I’d try to only have one of those type of things a week. I also had a couple of days when I missed my exercise.

By the weekend I was back on track as far as my normal regime goes but I was struggling a bit. I’d gotten a taste for eating again. I wanted to eat nice stuff, just because I fancied it. I managed to keep to my calorie limit but it was more of an effort of the will than it’s been lately. A similar thing happened with the exercise. I could easily have gone for a walk both Saturday and Sunday but I didn’t and ended up doing an hour on the stepper – most grudgingly.

Still it can’t all be easy huh? and I did do it in the end. I guess it just worries me when I have these kinds of struggles because I think it’s easier to will myself to do stuff now when I’m heading for a target than it will be when I’m just trying to maintain the weight.

But hey ho, here I am again looking on the glass-is-half-empty side.

Weekly loss: 0.6kg (1.3lb)
Total loss: 30.1kg (66.4lb or 4st 10lb)
Current weight: 114kg (251lb or 17st 13lb)