Category: Uncategorized

(ever notice how putting … after stuff makes it more profound? Nope, me neither. Sadly)

I was going to call this ‘Long time no…’ since it’s been a while. But then I thought that was grasping at straws trying to think of an interesting title. So making a virtue out of necessity*…

Well, it has been a while. Noteworthy is the fact that I haven’t blogged since I’ve been back at work. Neither have I written any fiction or crits. I have done a little reading but mostly my life has settled back into my former routine of work, eat, tv, sleep, talk to M and more sleep. (Yes that’s right I’m normally asleep when I talk to M – as she would tell you if she was writing this. She also tell you lots of embarrassing stuff so it’s a good job she’s not really. ***waves to M***) In that time there have of course been several things that I could have blogged about had I had the motivation and time. These include:

– further thoughts on the Crazy Idea
– a review of the movie Serenity – compared and contrasted perhaps with the TV series pilot Serenity
– ponderings on the meaning of being a fan, whether I still am one or not and perhaps some history of my Buffy-fandom
– why I decided to dump Windows and how I almost went back after a week
– thoughts on where I am faith-wise, where I want to be and tentative steps to get there
– thoughts on where I am job-wise, where I want to be and so on
– cheese

(OK the last one I just made up – but ya gotta have cheese :D)

As I said I could regale you with these many interesting topics, and more, but first another thought that fills me with fear, dread and that other thing that always goes with fear and dread but which I can never remember: am I worth reading?

It started when I installed something called Stumble Upon which is a way to get to random websites which may or may not be interesting. New-to-me potentially interesting websites are always in demand as my boredom threshold is high. (Mostly at work. Working at work can sometimes alleviate the boredom but hey, that’s drastic measures. ) Through StumbleUpon I came across this site. I then spent quite a lot of not-bored time reading and laughing at this site. However as with many things we laugh at at first I gradually became concerned and then eventually worried (I say “we” but maybe it’s just me).

It occurred to me that even if he doesn’t use a blog format this is the sort of thing a blog should be – personal anecdotes of his relationship with his girlfriend told in an amusing way. Told in an amusing way!

TOLD. IN. AN. AMUSING. WAY!!!

In other words – it’s worth reading. It amuses. It entertains. It whiles away those tedious hours that’d otherwise be spent earning a living. Whereas my blog, even to me, at times is, well, tedious. See the urge to express yourself is one thing, whether anyone wants to read it later is another. Humour is one way to reward the reader, being profound, informative or insightful are others. The question is: can I do that? Can I make my blog worth reading? Which implies the scary question as to whether I’m at all funny, profound, insightful or that other thing I just mentioned doesn’t it? (Those of you who had been thinking that my usual bland style had given way to a sort of desperate, forced attempt at humour and interesting word-usements can now congraulate yourselves on being right. Smug gits. 😛 )

I suspect part of the answer lies in editing. Stream of consciousness is ok but I think it needs to be pared down, refined and shaped into something that’s worth the effort. Not like this then 😉 Oh well…

(*big bonus points to anyone who spotted where I stole that phrase from)

It’s the early hours of Wednesday and blogging aside I haven’t written anything since Friday.

I let myself off Sat and Sun on the basis that it was a weekend. Even though I hadn’t originally intended to. I’ve read a little both Monday and Tuesday – which is better than nothing – but I haven’t written. Having re-read the extra that I added to my story I now feel a little more inspired. I have a feel for where to take it. I’ve already written the ending – not sure if I’ll connect with that or end up re-writing it. We’ll see.

Anyway – I’d like to get something finished. Even if it’s only a first draft. On Monday I’ll have had 2 weeks off work and if I go back with only 500 words added to a 2-year old story I’ll feel I didn’t acheive much – even if I felt some rare optimism for once.

So tomorrow, by hook or crook or other implement I will write 1,000 words.

Oh and then there’s the little matter of AFO reviews. I’m 10 stories behind. It’s actually tempting to spend “work” time on that, cos believe it or not, it’s easier to crit – even constructively, than to create.

M. read my blog tonight. Whilst I was on the phone with her. After my, probably unfair and certainly grumpy, comments of the other night she decided not to ask me what I’d written but just asked for the link instead.

It saddened her and it saddens me that I made her sad. The stuff about her working a lot and us talking less made her feel like she was letting me down. She’s not. It’s just the way things are at the moment.

Other stuff happened in that phonecall that I could talk about but I’ve decided not to. Not because I’m hiding anything but because I want to protect M. a little bit. “Anyone who reads your blog will think I’m a bitch.” she told me. I really doubt that, and I really hope not, but I don’t want to take chances.

So I’m going to be more careful about what I write about. Everything so far in this blog is public. However LJ has the ability to make stuff private or only accessible to friends. I’ve sort of been operating on the basis that I don’t need to worry about that because no one yet reads my blog. Well I’m going to fix that.

Secondly, this blog is my blog. It’s not the story of me and M. She didn’t sign up for that, and even if I don’t identify her I think I owe her a little more privacy and consideration. I’ll still mention her – but I’ll think twice first and make sure what I’m revealing isn’t too revealing so to speak.

I haven’t blogged for a couple of days and that’s unusual at the moment. I had an idea and instantly thought I should blog about it but haven’t because I’ve started to consider it and what worries me is how reasonable it’s starting to seem. It would certainly mean big changes.

Anyway, more of that in a mo. I spoke with M. tonight and she asked about my blog so I told her about the last entry. She got a bit upset because she asked about it and I snapped a bit. I just find it odd describing a blog entry I’ve already written. If I’ve already taken the trouble to express myself then re-inventing that thought seems tiresome. However, that’s not M’s fault.

Part of the problem is it’s September which is a busy time for her workwise. It also means she works more evenings. So the time we’re talking maybe later and she maybe more tired. So the quality of talk is a little down. Having said that, this time last year we fought a lot. We’re fighting less and the ones we’ve had have been less severe and have led to more understanding. At least I think so.

So anyway, the crazy idea…

I’m off work at the moment and my typical day consists of getting up, reading the web a bit, going out to buy food etc, more web, maybe a bit of TV, some writing, chat with M. and bed. I got to thinking how I enjoyed it like this. I’m relaxed enough to actually get to make myself spend at least some time writing – as oposed to feeling like winding down from work. Then it hit me that there’s no reason why I couldn’t live like this permanently.

I’ve got enough savings to survive at least a year without worrying about money. I could move back north where living’s cheaper. Maybe sell the car. Sell some of the other stuff I’ve accumulated on eBay or whatever. Live a simpler, less cluttered life and just write. Write every day and write seriously and try to sell what I write and see where it leads.

The scary thing is that it makes sense.

So what’s stopping me? Well for one, I’ve got a good job and am financially secure. Why give that up when I could write in my spare time? Bear in mind too that I gave up a job once before and didn’t work for five months. In that time I was either going to write a novel or some software. I did neither. I did write a short story and I read a lot. (My Legendary Girlfriend was a book from that time.) So I can easily see me taking it easy and not doing very much. Under the guise of ‘being a writer’ I might just become a slob.

I think I have just enough fear to stop me doing that. I think if I had nothing else to do I would write. When I quite my old job, I had an idea that I wanted to do something else, something not-IT, but in reality I quickly decided to only wait until after Christmas to apply for another job (I finished end of Sept ’99). If I do this I think it would be important to give it a specific period of time, of no less than a year.

After all, I’m not getting any younger and life is not a rehearsal (as a potential writer I’m ashamed of that cliche, as someone who’s up late I don’t care).

One other thing that stops me – or actually delays me – is my job. The company I work for is a global software company. They announced a little while ago that they’d be shedding 5% of the employees or 800 jobs worldwide. I’ve seen something recently that said it might actually go as high as 10%. I’ve also heard semi-reliable rumours that October is when many of these job cuts will be announced. So it’s probably worth waiting a week or two after I get back. If they make me redundant – and I have no idea how likely it is that I’ll be in the firing line – I’d definitely go for this plan. And of course if they make me redundant then I’ll better off financially than if I just resign.

Scary stuff – so why do it seems so reasonable?

OK, so I just spent nearly 3 hours on the phone to M. – nothing too abnormal in that. However most of it was an argument and the aftermath of same. And it was ‘good’ in that it cleared the air and I feel like we discussed some communication things that were an issue and we both understand each other a little better. And maybe, just maybe, I now have the knowledge to know when I might be in danger of randomly saying stuff up to the point when I get the silence that says I’ve upset her but I’ve no idea why. Maybe now I won’t do it or will at least know why.

As I say this was all good. But I kinda miss all the stuff we didn’t talk about. Stuff like the 447 words I wrote on my story today and how hard it was and yet I got through them. Stuff like my review of one of the old hands of AFO, what I said and how he reacted. He’s a much better writer but it didn’t stop me being quite critical. He was polite but I felt he brushed off my criticisms too easily. That’s fine. He doesn’t know me. If he’s still doing that when I’ve been posting a while – well it’ll still be fine but it’ll mean he’s reached a certain opinion about my opinions.

I wanted to share and discuss that stuff with M. but didn’t because we had to work through the other stuff. I don’t regret that but I wish I could’ve done both.

She’s got a busy weekend coming up and I can already see that when she’s not working she’ll be tired and possibly sleeping. I can see we won’t get to chat seriously again til Monday or later.

Ho Hum.

Feeling a bit sluggish, headachy and vaguely ill today. Various theories about why including:

– changing sleep patterns
– less coffee consumption (I’m off work and at work I drink several cups a day)
– less alcohol consumption (though I’ve been doing that for a week or so)
– something I ate

anyway I feel a bit crappy. But not so much so that I’m not going to try to get some stuff i.e. writing, done. Yesterday I wrote 250 words in one of my uncompleted stories. Then deleted it all. I may try again today or I may do crits instead. I have a backlog of 6 stories since I decided to crit everything. The group politics continue – but as someone who’s been absent a while it’s pretty much just a spectator sport.

(just noticed my j key is acting up. Perhaps the keyboard needs a clean?)

If I do do crits I may need to check that I’m not being overly harsh. My guess is that feeling rough might make me tend to be less generous.

Had a weird dream last night. I wanted to capture the essence of it before I forget. There’s not enough there to be a story in itself but something about it might be worth using later. I was in this crowded place – I think it was a shelter or reception centre for hurricane victims. In the dream Del-Boy Trotter was my brother – which should make me Rodney but I think I was still just me. I was wandering around trying to find someone to be with. All the people I found who knew me, including Del-Boy, whether they knew me well or only vaguely, all rejected my pleas to hang out with them. It seems I was a burden, a hassle to them. In fact by the end of the dream I was still searching but hiding from those I’d already asked as some of them had mocked me for even asking. I felt very alone, and stupid, and of course, rejected. I think M. was one of the ones who rejected me too but I can’t be sure.

Anyway I woke up feeling the lingering emotions from that dream and the grogginess from whatever is wrong with me today.

I felt a chat with God was in order:

Me: Please forgive me God
God: Thank you for your request. What is your real name?
Me: Paul
God: What’s up, Paul.
Me: I’ve fucked up bad
God: That’s nice. I have clients.
Me: I came here to repent
God: Where are you going?
Me: if only I knew
God: Try it.
Me: try what?
God: It was your idea.
Me: no it was yours
God: Are you serious? Is it still mine anymore?
Me: yes
God: Aw.
Me: so are you going to help me or not?
God: Hmm. How can I help you?
Me: forgive me
God: I forgive you.

So that’s that sorted then.

Relationships suck!

M. and I had a big fight. It’s probably one of the most significant we’ve had because we both felt like the other owed an apology.

Obviously I’m not going into details but it was bad.

Why can’t I get this right? All I want to do is be friends and be nice. My fear is that deep down I’m really this deeply unpleasant, uncaring, selfish guy. Only on tonight’s evidence – not so deep down. Scratch the surface and…

🙁

Some thoughts on my writing efforts. Inspired by a couple things really. First, I did a little bit of writing last night along with re-reading some unfinished stories and ideas that I had lying around.

(Actually the ‘writing’ I did was purely mechanical. I had written a story that had gotten feedback that the point of view was wrong and I was implementing the first part of a fix which was to change the pov to first person. So I was changing “You” to “I” etc.)

Second I spent about an hour and a half reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ this morning. If you’ve read it you’ll know that it’s in two parts – an autobiography part and the part on writing. Impatient as I am I skipped the second part. Which kind of relates to what I want to talk about.

Ok, let’s get serious for a second. Why do I want to write? Do I have any talent? Do I have the necessary work ethic? The problem with reading a book like On Writing is that I immediately score myself against the things he says you should have/do/be and usually I don’t fare well and end up feeling like I should just give up. See I’m lazy and my motivation for writing seems to be that I want people to say ‘hey that’s good’. King’s golden rule is read a lot, write a lot. By a lot he means 4-6 hours of reading a day and 1,000 words a day writing (however long that takes).

Now I have more free time than I’ve ever had in my life but 6 hours a day is hard to come by without giving up stuff. I talk to M. maybe 2 hours a day. A lot of my free time is in the evening and I’m tired from work. I just checked and my longest, unfinished, story is 2,700 words, which is actually a lot longer than I thought, but it didn’t come in one session.

So what I’m saying is that to make anything like the time King suggests would be an effort and I’m lazy. That’s problem 1.

Problem 2 is the motivation thing. King suggests that if the above schedule seems a lot it may be because you don’t really have the passion and talent for it. He suggests that once you get into it, it should be fun, you should love doing it whether or not anyone else reads it. Hmm. Well the news is not entirely bad here. The reading I did last night of my old stuff did stir something and I did enjoy what I’d written. I’d enjoyed the invention of it, the creativity.

King also talks about a defining moment for a writer when you read something bad that’s published and think ‘I could do better’. I have had that moment. It was ‘My Legendary Girlfriend’ by Mike Gayle. Now I must add quickly that this was not badly written but it was about things that I felt I could write about. A lot of times I would feel like I didn’t have enough experience of life to write anything worth reading. But My Legendary Girlfriend is about a 20-something guy living alone in his first flat with his first proper job. It takes place over a single weekend and it veers from mundane details of living in a flat to observations on pop culture and – hence the title – romance. Well those were all things I felt I could write about. It was a definite ‘I could do this’ moment.

Anyway, I’m choosing to feel hopeful. I’m deciding that if I try to write regularly and read more that the questions about motivation and talent will sort themselves out as I go.

I thought I’d better blog. Just to keep in the pseudo-writing habit. Very early in my life I used to write diaries as a way to ‘keep my hand in with writing’ – though I think the quality of the writing is of questionable value. Nevertheless I think to blog is to better than to not.

So here I am.

I still haven’t written anything for AFO – crit or story. I will but it takes effort. I just listened to a podcast of Mark Kermode reviewing movies and he said that the real test of a reviewer is a bad movie not a good one. Now before I come across as up myself I don’t think the average AFO fare is ‘bad’ but I do tend to be hard to impress – not that my own writing is any better. All I’m really saying is that both crit- and story- writing are work and I haven’t had the energy or motivation for that for a while.

Still I have some time off work now and I’m hoping to write every day.

Of things SoF-ish I won a charity auction for a ‘low’ membership number and have a new custom title and avatar. So I’m back to being LatePaul, who is ‘only mostly dead’, and looks like this

which is actually a photo of me, taking with my phone, whilst whirling around quickly. I like that it’s abstract and no-one else’s is quite like it.

I watched Dogma last night. I was struck by how much it relies on dialogue. OK you’ve got a couple of interesting visual scenes but much of it is in very simply sets and there’s a lot of exposition. Characters with long, long speeches telling us the rules of heaven and hell etc.

Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

Heh.

More soon…